We’re back with more Betrayed! This time, we’re sharing all the stupid, fail, and just plain badly-written quotes that we didn’t get a chance to address in the review. Don’t you guys just feel so lucky?
Yeahhh, us too.
Someday soon he was going to join the rank of other vamp movie stars like Matthew McConaughey, James Franco, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Hugh Jackman (who is totally gorgeous for an old guy).
POP CULTURE REFERENCE POP CULTURE REFERENCE POP CULTURE REFERENCE. AM I RELEVANT NOW?
And since when was Hugh Jackman "old"?
Every time she gestured with her hands the gihugic pear-shaped diamond on her ring finger flashed a light as cold and beautiful as her voice.
And since when the fuck was light cold?
He made no move to come closer to me, so out of pure awkward fidgeting I grinned as if I hadn't been scared poo-less just seconds ago, shrugged nonchalantly, and joined him under the tree.
Shit. It’s SHIT. Just say shit. Oh, and for the record:
Cool to say: Hag, bitch, whore, slut, skank.
Not cool: Shit.
I kept searching...Exeter...Andover...Taf...Miss Porter's (really - hee hee - that's the school's name)...Kent...
Being able to tap into the power of the five elements was pretty bizarre. I mean, my life wasn't an X-Men movie (although I'd definitely like to spend some quality time with Wolverine).
She can’t talk about anything, anything, without ultimately adding something mind-blowingly stupid.
"Oh, sure. Of course. No problem; I'd like that." I realized I was babbling, but there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it. I hoped it would eventually stop. Kinda like how you can't have diarrhea forever - it eventually has to stop.
We just, our brain cells, they’re dying one word at a time.
Kay: Also, enough with the shit references. ‘Diarrhea of the mouth’ is just gross and all writers should stop this now!
"He recited a love poem to you, touched your Mark, and then wrote a poem for you..." She sighed dreamily. "It's like you're Romeo and Juliet with the whole forbidden lovers thing." In the middle of fanning herself dramatically she stopped and sat straight up again.
This is stupid on so many levels. This is Stevie Rae’s reaction when she finds out that Loren, a GROWN-ASS TEACHER, was hitting on Zoey, a SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD STUDENT. No, Stevie Rae, this is nothing like Romeo and Juliet, and even if it were, that wouldn’t be a good thing. God, teenagers, HAEEET.
Not that I expected to run into anyone I knew. I was the one my high school friends had called "weird" and "out there" because I liked to shop in the chic midtown stores versus the loud, boring, food court-smelling mall.
Did we just fucking read that? Did we just fucking read about how harshly Zoey is judged for her preferred shopping destination? She’s going to American Eagle, by the way, AMERICAN FUCKING EAGLE. Is she, are we supposed to feel SORRY for Zoey because of this? For her made-up and utterly implausible persecution? Is it supposed to make her cooler? Some sort of pseudo-hipster because she doesn’t shop at the mall location of AMERICAN EAGLE ARLKNFGLSKNGSD FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
"You can also tell him that if he wants a little brown sugar in his Juliet he need look no farther than right here." She pointed at herself and shimmied her hips.
"Twin, if Juliet had been black I do not believe things would have come to such a shitty end between her and Romeo. I mean, we would have shown more sense than drinking that sleeping potion crap and going through all that drama just because of some unfortunate parental issues."
"Exactly," Shaunee said. None of us stated the obvious - that Erin, with her blond hair and blue eyes, was definitely NOT BLACK. We were too used to her and Shaunee being twinlike to question the weirdness of it.
That Erin, she’s so WISE for fucking water, don’t you agree?
I lit Erin's blue candle, and it was the weirdest thing. I swear it was like I was suddenly transported to the shores of a lake. I could smell the water and feel it cool against my skin, even though I knew I was standing in the middle of a room and absolutely could not be anywhere near water.
Why the hell is it weird? YOU HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE, ZOEY. It’s the same damn thing you feel every time you cast a circle, god this is dumb.
Lenobia was striking-looking, even for a vampyre. She had amazing hair that reached her waist and was so blond it was al-most white. Her eyes were a weird color of gray, like a stormy sky. She was tiny, and carried herself like a prima ballerina. Her tattoo was an intricate series of knots entwining around her face - within the sapphire design horses plunged and reared.
Oh god, the tattoo designs. These characters literally have shit like horses and dragons tattooed on their faces. That’s not divine love, that’s Nyx trolling her stupid followers.
"That was so romantic I almost peed my pants," she yelled.
"Me, too!" I laughed.
...I know that’s my default reaction to romantic things.
Hell, Erik Night might be the hottest guy at any school. He was tall, dark, and handsome - like an old-time movie star (without the latent homosexual tendencies).
Okay, I know it's bordering on weird (or maybe queer is the better word choice) to continually notice how gorgeous a woman is when you're a woman, too, but Neferet is so damn beautiful that it's like she has the ability to focus all the light in the room on herself.
Translation: NO HOMO NO HOMO NO HOMO
Okay, so an idea had been milling around in my head. It was time to see if there was anything to it. I pulled up Google and typed in "private preparatory schools." Zillions came up. I started narrowing. I wanted exclusive and upper class (none of those stupid "alternative academies" that were really just holding pens for future criminals - ugh).
This paragraph is so thoughtlessly revealing. Such hateful, classist ideas thrown around so casually. 'Holding pens for future criminals'? WE ONLY ACCEPT EXCLUSIVE AND UPPER CLASS. Please just FUCK OFF right to the fucking moon and suffocate.
It had not been long after the second kid had drowned in his own lung tissue and bled out right in front of my Lit class. I shuddered, remembering how awful it had been - especially because of my gross attraction to his blood.
Note how this was only awful to Zoey because she wanted to eat Elliot, and not because a kid just drowned in his own lung tissue right in front of her.
I didn't know every single one of the fledglings here. There could be another kid here who had ugly, bushy red hair and pudgy, too white skin.
Oh, but that’s right, Elliot is ugly, so it’s ok.
"Well, Stevie Rae. I do believe it's time for a DVD showing of [Brokeback Mountain]," Shaunee said.
"Do guys kiss in it?"
"Deliciously," Shaunee and Erin said together. I tried, but failed miserably not to laugh at the look on Stevie Rae's face.
Ahahaha, straight girls fetishizing homosexual men, with a shot of homophobia on the side. Pretty sure that’s not what you were supposed to take from that movie.
I glanced down at myself for the zillionth time. The dress was simple, but perfect. It had a round neckline that was low, but not as low as ho-ish Aphrodite's ritual dresses had been.
This is such a sad bit of truth about being a woman, about the ideas this book thoughtlessly perpetuates. Your clothing has to be just revealing enough, or you’re a prude or a square, but not too revealing, because then you’re a ho or a slut.
Of course it wasn't like I didn't have other things on my mind, but still. Everyone thought I was the lucky girl who had caught Erik after he'd escaped from Aphrodite's nasty spiderweb (and by web I mean crotch).
We have never been more tempted to pen nasty letters to an author. NEVER.
Hum...I'd have to talk to Erik about fixing Shaunee up with Cole. In my opinion more white boys should date women of color. It was good for expanding their horizons (especially true in Oklahoma white boys). Speaking of women of color - the next performer was Deino. She was a drop-dead mixed girl with to-die-for hair and skin the color of vanilla latte.
Why thank you, Zoey, for your oh-so-relevant opinion on mixed-race couples. You hear that, guys? Zoey says it’s okay! LET THE CELEBRATIONS BEGIN.
But Zoey can’t even be a competent "ally" for more than five seconds. "A drop-dead mixed girl with to-die-for hair and skin the color of a vanilla latte" - so, being mixed, having "good hair", and light skin, that’s the only way for African-American women to be pretty? Apparently it’s the only way in this fucking book. Hey, by the way, does anyone ever describe Kramisha as being beautiful? We wonder...
Erik wasn't like that at all, and I couldn't help but compare him to Heath, who would probably have been freaked that he had to room with a gay kid. Not that Heath was hateful or anything like that, but he was a typical teenage Okie boy, which tended to mean narrow-minded homophobe.
And here’s Zoey, going out of her way to excuse bigotry. Nope, sorry, that does make Heath a hateful homophobe. Deal with it.
I stopped in front of Stevie Rae. She was looking tired, with dark circles bruising the otherwise pale skin under her eyes, which made sense. Obviously, she'd been worrying too much about me - as usual.
This just slays us. Zoey knows that any sign of sickness in a fledgeling is a death-sentence, and she sees this, and her first reaction is to tie it back to herself. HOW NARCISSISTIC CAN YOU BE?
I clung to her, leaning low over her neck. With the blanket stream-ing out behind us I imagined that I looked like the heroine in an old historical romance novel, and wished I was galloping to a naughty keg party with someone my kingly father had decided was inappropriate instead of heading into hell.
Oh, that narcissistic.
Okay, I'd told Erik the truth about Heath and he hadn't broken up with me. Of course, depending on what happened with Heath, he might still dump me. How did those ho-ish girls go out with a dozen or so guys at the same time? Two was exhausting.
Double-standards and irony.
"I died." Her voice was only a twisted, malformed shadow of what it had once been. She still had her Okie twang, but the soft sweetness that had filled it was totally gone. She sounded like mean trailer trash.
They’ve been not-friends for all of two minutes, and already, Stevie Rae is demoted to "mean trailer trash".
"I don't think it should be because of pollution. I think it should be because you're sick and tired of government interference in the private sector's lives," Erin said. I just blinked at her. What the hell did she just say?
No, this doesn’t make Erin smart, and no, Zoey, none of the words in that sentence should have baffled you so completely.
Cyna: But this series’ standards for "intelligence", "wit", and "nerdiness" are laughably low. In fact, as a nerd, the markers that the book uses to denote "nerdiness" and "dorkiness" make me want to punch kittens.
Now it looked like something that should be in the Gotham City of the Batman Dark Night comics. (Yes, I know. I'm a dork.)
PFFFFFT, are we REALLY supposed to think Zoey knows anything about what she just said? Really? HAHAHAHAHA, that Batman, man, he only exists in comics, those, those Dark Night comics, ahahaha.
(From what I had overheard they were both into the same kind of books and were debating which of the Harry Potters was really the best. Clearly, they were dorkishly alike.)
Right? Because that Harry Potter, man, that’s such an OBSCURE FANDOM that only DORKY people like, LOLOLOL.
The sides of the walls looked like they had been gouged out by very drunk Tolkien dwarfs (again, I am aware that I'm a dork). It was cold, too, but I didn't really feel it.
I love this "self-awareness" here, too. Is it just to excuse the out-of-character "dorky" references that Zoey shouldn’t really be making, or is this actually supposed to be some sort of ‘in’ for the nerdier readers, something for them to relate to? Because that’s really hilarious, considering all that shit about goths and nerds and everyone not-Zoey in the last book. Oh, yeah, and then this:
...a kid I hadn't noticed till then stepped slowly forward. He was cute, in a studious kind of a way, with tousled sandy blond hair and really pretty blue eyes. Clearly he was one of those geeky kids who is a dork, but a likable dork with potential (translation: he bathes and brushes his teeth, plus has good skin and hair and doesn't dress like a total loser).
"Nerds! Read this book! But also, you smell and have terrible fashion sense and Zoey hates you, hopefully there isn’t some sort of socio-economic reason for why might smell, or don’t buy clothes from American Eagle!" Also, fuck you, Zoey, "good skin"? Yeah, cause people TOTALLY have complete control over that. Ass.
The Bad Writing:
I thought about what I'd overheard all the way back to the dorm. I believed that I had nightmare parents, but they were like The Brady Bunch mom and dad (hello - I watch Nickelodeon re-runs like everyone else) compared to Aphrodite's hateful, power-freak parents.
Hello! Invasive, unnecessary aside to justify teenagers knowing about The Brady Bunch! PLEASE DON’T NOTICE AN ADULT IS WRITING THIS.
She looked confused, and I realized she needed an Okie analogy to get it. "You know how it feels right before a tornado hits? I mean when the sky's still clear, but the wind's starting to cool off and change direction. You know something's coming, but you don't always know what. That's how things feel to me right now."
Stevie Rae’s an Okie! That means she’s dumb and doesn’t understand basic concepts! Get it! Get it? Did you get it? OKIE OKIE OKIE.
"Sounds like a new ritual Nyx would approve of." As I said the words I felt the rightness of them deep within me.
I met his eyes steadily. "No, I'm a fledgling who is leader of the Dark Daughters and a High Priestess in training. Believe me, that's a lot more than just a teenager. I've given you my oath, and you know from your sister that my oath binds me. I promise I've told you everything I can, and if any more kids disappear, I believe I can find them for you." What I didn't say was that I wasn't one hundred percent sure how I was going to do that, but the promise felt right, and so I knew Nyx would help me keep it. Not that that would be easy.
It must be so nice to let your mouth write checks that you have no idea how your ass can cash. My FEELINGS, they will support my nonsensical decisions. FEELINGS!
Shaunee sighed, and started for the door. "Just please. The young love hormones in this room are enough to give me a headache."
"I feel like I'm stuck in a Lifetime movie. Wait for me, Twin," Erin said.
"Why are the Twins so cynical about love?" I asked Damien as he and Jack crossed the room to join us.
"They're not. They're just mad that the last few guys they've gone out with have bored them," Damien said. [...]
"Yeah, the Twins are hard on guys. It's like they double-time them," Stevie Rae said. [...] I heard a bunch of muttered agreement noises from the guys who had been helping us drag furniture around the rec room. And I imagined it would be intimidating for any guy (vamp or human) to try to date one of the Twins.
"Do you remember when Thor asked Erin out?" said one of Drew's friends, whose name I think was Keith.
"Yeah, she called him a lemur. You know, like the moronic lemurs in that Disney movie," Stevie Rae said, laughing.
"And Walter went out with Shaunee a total of two and a half dates. Then, right in the middle of Starbucks, she called him a Pentium 3 processor," Damien said.
I gave him a totally clueless look. "Z, we're up to Pentium 5 processors now."
This segment just baffled us. Two comments about not being able to handle lovey-dovey stuff makes the twins "cynical"?
It just devolves into this weird discussion about Erin and Shaunee behind their backs, like some crude attempt at character development, but it’s so inane and ultimately pointless that it fails, miserably.
And seriously, who the fuck outside of maybe the Big Bang Theory calls another person a "Pentium 3 processor"? Is that supposed to make her sound smart? Because smart people don’t talk like that.
"Superb! Glorious! Wondrous!" Damien made use of his large vocabulary while his brown hair lifted and his clothes flapped crazily in the sudden wind that surrounded him. When he looked at me again happy tears were running down his cheeks.
"Nyx has given me a gift. Me," he enunciated carefully, and I knew what he was saying in that one word - that he realized Nyx found him worthy even though his parents didn't, and even though much of his life people had made fun of him because he liked guys. I had to blink hard to keep from bawling like a baby.
No, no, no, no, no, no, noooo, nobody talks like that, NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT, I don’t care who you are or how smart you’re supposed to be, NOBODY FUCKING TALKS LIKE THAT, STOP IT.
The sad thing is, this could have been a touching moment. Damien realizing his worth and whatnot, but she just ruins it, with the stupid vocabulary and Zoey’s HEY-DID-YOU-GET-IT? explanation. SUBTLETY, DO YOU KNOW IT?
"I want to stay, too, but well, I'm not actually a girl," Damien said. I knew he was trying to make me smile, so I made my lips move up. I imagined I looked like one of those scary, sad clowns who had a smile painted on his face along with a teardrop.
Nope, apparently not.
It was about then that I began to feel the exhaustion. It was like I was a cell phone that hadn't been charged in a while, and someone was talking on me too long.
Clearly, before we start Chosen, we need to stock up on our supply of "stupid" gifs.